~*LiFe AiN't AlWaYs BeAuTiFuL*~

I am not really sure of the point of this post but lately I have been thinking alot about how I have felt over the course of the last four years (both physically and emotionally). I have had such a mix of emotions; one minute I am happy-go-lucky then the next I am flying off the handle mad... then not 2 minutes later I am crying... I couldn't seem to control my temper which just made things worse because I am not a mean person normally. I was horrible to the people I love the most (my mom, dad, sisters and Justin). I can't explain it and I know most of you can't understand but I HONESTLY couldn't help it! Recently I have come across a song that I feel describes how I felt when I would get angry at people (ESPECIALLY MY MOM!):

I don't know if I can yell any louder

How many time have I kicked you outta here?Or said something insulting?

I can be so mean when I wanna be

I am capable of really anything

I can cut you into pieces

When my heart is....broken

Please don't leave me Please don't leave me

I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?

What is it with you that makes me act like this?

I've never been this nasty

Looking back at the way I treated people who were just trying to help me (My mom & dad, sisters, & Justin mostly ) the first part of the song describes me perfectly; one minute I was yelling and screaming at them to leave me alone, I said horribly mean things, and cut them down. I have kicked my poor mom (God Bless her!) out of hospital rooms, out of doctors offices, and even my house. The part of this song when it says "Please don't leave me" was really how I was feeling even though I was telling you to leave me alone. I hope you understand that I didn't know how to deal with everything that I was going through, it was REALLY hard... Thank you for ALWAYS being there for me... you know who you are!

*** I want to say how sorry I am to everyone who I said hurtful or mean things too, I know now you were only there because you care for me so much and I am SOOOOOO sorry!***

The next part of the song goes to say:

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty'

That is EXACTLY how Cushing's made me feel. I could be such a horrible, mean person.... I can't understand how something like Cushing's Disease can change a person's behaviour so much. It was so difficult for me to accept the fact that I couldn't control my anger... luckily for me I had some people that could deal with me when I would get into my fits, and unfortunately I had people who didn't know how to deal with me. It ruined alot of relationships in my life....