In November I was still trudging along... trying to get back to normal but still trying to keep my stress levels down. It was very important to keep my cortisol levels down (your cortisol levels rise when you are stressed). Everything was going along just fine, I was taking my medication, starting to feel better with a little bit more energy. One night I had gone to bed (I was finally starting to be able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time) when the phone rang around midnight. I was still half asleep but I heard the phone ring. Then all of the sudden I heard my mom start screaming and crying. Before my brain was even functioning I was running down the stairs... I didn't know what was going on but I knew it wasn't good.
When I got downstairs my mom was hysterical.... she managed to tell us that my Grandma had been killed in a car accident. I couldn't even imagine how awful my mom felt because I know how horrible I felt. My heart was broke, a huge part of our lives had been taken away from us. My Grandma was our rock. She was not your typical "grandma". She was a busy lady, a worker. She had 20 or so horses who she worked hard to care for,she worked 3 jobs just so she could afford to have her horses and compete in shows (which she loved to do). She was an amazing lady who helped me (and my mom) through a lot, especially when I got sick. Now she was taken from us, all because some retard was speeding and hit her. The night we found out is kind of a blur.... not a time that I want to remember...
The next day my Mom and Dad drove down to my Grandma's to start taking care of things. Me and my sisters stayed behind to make sure that everything was in order for us to be able to leave. We had to find someone to watch our animals and make sure that there was enough hay for the horses etc. (Lucky for us my mom has some great friends who stepped up to help). Needless to say my stress levels at this point were through the roof... I started to feel sick but never really thought a lot about it at the time. Justin (my boyfriend) was kind enough to arrange for my me and my two sisters and my nephew to fly down to meet my parents so that we could get there sooner to be with the rest of our family.
As I was sitting on the plane a thought ran through my head.... it had only been almost 3 weeks since my surgery and I probably wasn't "allowed" to fly, I mean I wasn't even allowed to blow my nose, sneeze or drink through a straw. A little late to think of that, seeings how we were already on the runway ready to take off. So as the plane was taking off I felt like my head was going to explode... so much pressure (almost more than I was able to take). Once we were up in the air I felt a little better but I was panicking... hoping that nothing bad was going to happen. As we landed I went through the same horrible feeling as I had when we took off. I honestly thought my head was going to explode off my body. Even once we had landed I felt horrible... my balance was off and I was walking like a drunk. But my sisters helped me to get to where my Dad was waiting for us. At this point I didn't really care, I needed to be with my family and I was willing to take that risk.
The next couple days I felt like crap. Too much stress for me to handle. It was so sad to be around all the familiar things that reminded me of my Grandma... her horses, her dogs, everything in her house... everything just screamed at me. I started to get pains in my side. The pain continued to get worse and worse for the next couple days. It got so bad that I was lying downstairs on the floor curled up in a ball... I didn't want to say anything because everyone was trying to get things ready for the funeral... I knew that if I told them that I was sick they would be worried about me and everyone had enough on their minds. The pain never went away... it only got worse. I actually even started to throw up because it was so painful. I think it was the third day when my mom realized how much pain I was actually in. She told me that she was taking me to the hospital. I tried to argue, but I knew that there was no point.
We drove into town and I went to the emergency room. It turns out that my kidneys were acting up and I ended up getting kidney stones. I had to have a morphine drip and then they gave me some pills to take with me just in case the pain came back. They told me the reason I got these pains was because my levels were way off because I was so upset about what had happened to my Grandma. It caused my cortisol to skyrocket.
The next couple days were hard... I was high on those stupid pills and trying to help make arrangements for the funeral... not sure if I was much help but I wanted to try. The day of the funeral I felt sick all day, all I wanted to do was sleep... my levels by this time were WAY off and there was nothing I could do but tough it out. I couldn't just tell myself not to be upset... I mean I lost a huge part of my life and I didn't want to let her go. It also was hard for me to see my family (especially my mom) in so much pain. My Grandma was very important to all of us, and for her to just get ripped out of our lives was devastating.
I started to calm down a bit afterwards and knew that my Grandma would want me to get better. I knew I had to keep going and eliminate the stress as best as possible... it has been hard, and I will never forget her. I know she is always with me and that has helped me through alot.
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